Alleviate
by Izarin
Summary: Recovering from the past wasn't easy to do alone, but with help from a loved one, it didn't seem so impossible anymore. [Levihan / Mentions of Rape / Hurt&Comfort]


**Warnings:** Mentions of rape  
**AN:/** My first SNK fic yattaaaaaaaa. I hope you enjoy! Sorry if it's a bit OOC considering I've never written for the fandom before. /w\

Deanon from the kinkmeme  
**Prompt:** Back in her trainee days, Hanji was raped some some of the older trainees. She never said anything about it and hasn't brought it up since. She always felt like it wasn't a big deal and she didn't think it effected her until she and Levi are about to have sex for the first time and she has a breakdown/panic attack.

* * *

Having feelings for the Lance Corporal was probably not a bright idea, for someone as bright as Hanji Zoe.

He was rude, unpleasant, had that weird thing with cleanliness going on, practically _never_ changed that dumb apathetic facial expression. In fact, him being the Lance Corporal was probably the _least_ of her concerns, since she didn't really care too much about what other members of the Scouting Legion might've thought. Maybe he did, because he was rarely ever polite to her in public, but the issue was that he just wouldn't _budge_ no matter how much she tried to push him.

And something deep in the pit of her stomach told her that she shouldn't have been pushing him because she wasn't ready for anything herself.

The first time she kissed him, was before either of them had any really important roles in the military.

She had met him in her early 20s, and he was in his mid-20s by then. Everyone spoke of how much of a brave soldier he was, how strong and talented he was, and that he was going to be important to the Scouting Legion before he reached 30.

He was a squad leader and she had the pleasure of being put on his squad. There wasn't really any romance involved; in fact, all Squad Leader Levi had ever _said_ to her were insults. Some of which hit quite close to home, and reminded her of the harsh times she had as a trainee.

That was in the past, she told herself.

She was scared shitless that she dreamt of kissing him and sitting on his lap. It was even worse when she actually _acted_ on it. About two months into their partnership, she kissed him on the cheek while on horseback. He didn't even flinch, nor look at her, or say anything.

And then when they got back from their mission, he kissed her on the lips, tugging her close, insulting her, pushing her away and telling her that if she _ever_ touched him again, he'd smash her skull in, or something of the sort.

Words like that from him truly made her heart race and it only made her want to kiss him even more.

But years after that, at the tender age of 26, while he was 30, and appointed Corporal for about a year already, they had spent countless nights together and kissing each other. Yet they had never truly been _together_.

And she wanted to move on with him, but with Levi it was nearly _impossible_ to make a move.

After a rather stressful mission, the two were exhausted to say the least. They hadn't been hurt too badly, but each mission seemed to involve less and less people returning. It took a toll on the both of them. And all Hanji wanted was to be comforted, even though she knew she couldn't quite expect it from Levi.

"Hanji."

She jerked, not expecting to hear Levi speak to her so directly.

"Come with me to my quarters, will you?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Come."

Something about his tone of voice sounded different. Sure, he had asked her to his bedroom plenty of times before, but this wasn't the usual "I need company," come to my quarters. His voice was somewhat strained, and he had a look in his eyes that made her think that he needed some kind of affection.

He wound up guiding her there, hand in hand, something else that worried Hanji quite a bit. She wanted to call his name and ask straight up if he had something planned, and she was usually able to ask him those kinds of things out of the blue, but it felt like her throat was closed and she was unable to make any kind of sound.

She sat on his bed once inside, watching Levi enter into another room, where she soon heard water running.

"Get undressed." He spoke again, "I'm assuming you'd like to bathe before we get into bed. You're covered in dirt and blood."

"Ah. I guess I am, huh? You are too, yunno."

"Yes, I know. I'll slip in after you do."

"You wouldn't prefer… ah, simply showering together?" She didn't know why she said that.

Levi stared at her as if she had four hundred heads or something. "No."

"I see." Hanji stood up with a smile, taking her steps carefully into his bathroom. "I'll be quick."

"Don't be too quick. I don't want anything filthy in my bed."

She snorted, although she knew that he wasn't joking, and she wasn't all that humored by the comment in the first place.

His bathroom was spotless, and the tub had been filled with bubbles and she wasn't sure if he just assumed everyone bathed like this or if he was being _really_ nice to her and giving her the VIP treatment. She didn't feel like questioning it, as she slipped out of her rather soiled clothing and dipped her foot into the water, allowing herself to sink in until her nose touched the top of the bubbles.

Now that she thought of it, he'd never offered her a bath before. He never asked if she bathed before they spent the night together.

Her heart started to race when she realized he really _did_ want to sleep with her tonight. She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself as best she could. She _liked_ Levi, this was a good thing. He was going to show her a different side to him, and she was going to show him all of herself. It was going to be a good night.

But all she could think about were her days back as a trainee.

Why, if all the hurtful words made such a difference back then, didn't even _phase_ her when it came to Levi?

She hated thinking about these things whenever she got close to him. Levi wasn't like that. He hadn't _ever_ laid a forceful hand on her. So why was it that whenever she so much as just sat next to him her heart would race and she'd _want_ to move forward and place her hand on his, but she'd also feel some surge of nausea pass through her to the point where she neared tears.

Hanji started feeling that even _now_ as she thought about it.

A knock was at the door, causing her to jump.

"Hanji. I know I told you not to be quick, but I didn't want you to take a fucking eternity either, you know."

She blinked, searching the floor for her pants from where she sat in the tub, pulling out her watch. She had been in there for a while, yet it only felt like she was in there for a few minutes.

"I-I'm sorry! I'll be out in a second, okay? Just finishing up!" She frantically tried to bathe herself entirely in under a minute, considering she had just been _sitting_ there thinking about things. Soon enough, she was out and exited the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

Hanji looked up, finding Levi placing some folded clothing on the foot of his bed.

"I went back to your room and got some clothing for you."

"Ah – thank you."

"I'll be quick." Levi spoke, "Just… try not to make a mess of anything."

"It's fine. I just wanna lay down for a bit, anyway."

Levi gave a nod, and disappeared into the bathroom soon after.

Hanji didn't hesitate to lay on his bed, eyes closed as she clutched onto his pillow. It smelled like him, more specifically like some sort of flowery scent with a hint of whatever the hell those cleansing chemicals he insisted on using were. That was a bit strong, but she liked it. She liked his smell.

She liked that she smelled of him right now too, using Levi's soap and shampoo, his towels. She was in Levi heaven.

Her eyes had been closed, and Hanji thought she might've actually fallen asleep until she heard the door open and familiar footsteps circle around the room. She didn't bother looking up to see what he was doing, considering he was probably just putting things away. But then she felt his weight on the bed, and he inched close to her, and his fingers found her damp hair, and began stroking through it.

"You didn't fall asleep, did you?"

Hanji leaned into the touch, a smile gracing her lips. "No, I'm awake. You said you wouldn't take long, though."

"I like to wash thoroughly."

She laughed, turning to lay on her back.

"I have no idea how to go about initiating this, you know." Levi admitted. He paused, "It isn't particularly fucked up of me that I brought you back here to fuck you, is it?"

"No, I was hoping that's what you wanted to do."

"Good."

The silence between them lasted a while, growing to be a bit awkward. Levi was staring down at the sheets, and Hanji was looking up at him, waiting for some kind of motion. She couldn't get herself to make the first move, though.

Finally, he shifted over her, hands on either side of her body. Levi was _finally_ looking at her, and she felt herself grow breathless at the eye contact.

He leaned in, pressing lips to hers.

Out of all the times they had kissed, she felt such a spark through the contact, like she had never felt before. Levi wasn't particularly… _great_ at kissing or anything, his movement was kind of awkward, their noses kept bumping and their teeth kept clacking. Hanji felt her glasses getting smeared, but neither of them bothered to take them off. Levi's eyes were open too, while Hanji tried her best to keep them shut.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, trying to encourage him a little bit more. Her heart was racing and she wondered if he could feel that, or if his own was racing as well, though she doubted it. The corporal was always so composed.

"Levi…" She mumbled through kisses.

He paused, speaking against her lips. "What is it?"

"N-Nothing. I um, I was trying to encourage you."

"Oh."

Even in his 30's, it was painfully obvious Levi hadn't ever done anything like this before. Hanji probably would've guessed _virgin_, or something close to that. But Hanji hadn't had any real kind of sexual experience either.

She gasped, clutching onto Levi suddenly.

"Hanji. What?" Levi stopped again, staring down at her.

"Huh?" She blinked, confused as to why _he_ halted his actions.

"You're… ngn, choking. Me."

Hanji didn't notice how tight her hold around him was, and how she was digging her nails into her own arms. "I-I'm sorry." She loosened her hold. "I-I wouldn't try to kill you on the first night." She attempted a joke, but neither of them laughed.

"Are you alright?" He looked a lot more serious than usual.

"Yeah. Sorry. Dunno what came over me."

Levi gave a slow nod, leaning back down to continue the kisses, though he started at her jaw, and her cheek, working up to her lips. She was tense, and he was able to tell – perhaps he was trying to make her a little more comfortable, and she was thankful for that.

She lay still, though, unable to move herself into a more comfortable position, or to touch him at all. Her arms resumed their spot around his neck, but didn't move otherwise. She wasn't used to being this stiff, or this quiet, and she was sure that Levi would've noticed. She was always so excited and eccentric, yelling all kinds of things in Levi's ear, but all she could do was lay there.

Levi was moving slow, and he was hesitant to do much, but he continued forward, kissing down Hanji's neck, and to her collarbone.

Her shirt was going to come off, and she felt her heart pick up speed. She wasn't sure if the butterflies in her stomach were necessarily _good_ though, since she started to feel sick.

He began unbuttoning it, exposing her skin little by little. He did so at a pace where she would be able to stop him at any time.

"Hanji, if you're nervous – we don't have to. I'm not some sex starved beast or anything. You don't seem… like you want to." Levi paused at the last button, "I'm not insulted if you say no, I would _like_ to, but I won't be torn apart or anything like that."

"N-No! I want to. Levi." Hanji bit her lip. "I want to. Don't stop." She pushed herself up a bit, undoing the final button _for_ him, sliding the shirt down her shoulders. Her breasts were exposed, and the air brushing against her skin gave her goosebumps.

Levi looked down at her, concern increasingly growing in his expression. This was the first time she had ever really seen him like this, his rather "apathetic" expression softening, and this time, he leaned down to kiss her a little more tenderly. She tried relaxing, knowing that Levi wasn't doing this for _himself_, but he seemed so focused on making her comfortable.

Something she most definitely wasn't expecting.

His breathing was quiet, and he was focused on getting in between her legs. She didn't have any pants on, so he didn't have to work too hard, so his hands caressed her inner thigh, working his way inward. His index and middle finger found her panties, and pressed against her.

Hanji let go of Levi immediately, kicking him backwards with much force. "D-Don't! Not there!" She yelled, backing up against the headboard, drawing her knees to her chest. Levi hit the floor, seemingly forgetting just how strong she was in their short lived moment of intimacy. He stood up, wincing only slightly from how hard he hit the ground, staring at her as she shook and withdrew into herself.

Levi kept his distance for a few moments, watching her. She was crying and mumbling things he wasn't able to understand from where he was standing.

"I-I can't, I'm sorry." She whimpered, "Why now? I remember it and it doesn't feel anything close to this."

"Hanji, what-"

"I-I need … I have to leave. Levi, please. I can't stay."

She was damn near incoherent, mumbling different things every few minutes, trying to come up with excuses to leave his bedroom. If she didn't want to do it, he absolutely was not going to force her, but… something told him this wasn't _about_ him and her.

"Hanji." He spoke up again, his voice a bit softer. He approached her slowly, cautiously, sitting on the edge of the bed, where he took her shirt and draped it over her shoulders. "Hanji, what's gotten into you? I've never seen you like this and I've known you since you first joined the scouting legion."

Hanji jerked when she felt his hand on her shoulder, unable to get herself to look up at him. "D-Don't. Don't, I'm sorry. I'll behave. I'll cooperate, and I'll be good. I wont yell."

"_What_?" Levi didn't know how to go about talking to her. "Relax." He whispered, hesitantly wrapping his arm around her, drawing her against his chest. "Talk to me. Why do I have Hanji Zoe, one of the strongest members of the scouting legion, _crying_ on my bed?

He had to be understanding. He'd seen many of his soldiers break down into states like this, and it was always upsetting to watch, yet he was able to stay strong and guide them through with his leadership. But Hanji was different, someone who always had a smile on her face and enjoyed some of the aspects of being a soldier, especially when it came to studying. But here she was, freaking out over something he couldn't grasp the concept of, and he didn't know what to do.

Someone he was just about to allow to see him in an entirely different state than he normally was, and she broke before he did.

"Hanji."

"L-Levi?"

He looked at her again, this time their gazes met. She had tears still streaming down her face, swelling in her eyes.

"Talk to me."

"I panicked."

"And why on Earth did you do that?"

Hanji closed her eyes, shaking her head. "It was years ago, and it never bothered me… I never cared."

He couldn't break away from her, despite how much she was avoiding his gaze. Her eyes closed, and she took her glasses off, wiping them with the shirt around her shoulders.

"But then you… and, God, Levi, I like you so much. But people touching me. I hate it." Hanji paused, "Not you. I don't hate you. I hate that I can't move on. I still remember what they felt like. And they wouldn't stop."

Eyes widened at the realization, and Levi loosened his hold on her, opting to sit in front of her instead, face to face.

"Hanji. You were forced into sex…" He said, quietly and his voice shook. "When?"

"Years ago. I… I had to have been around 16 at the time."

Levi frowned, taking her hands in his. "You said you never cared. You… never told anyone? Hanji, this is serious – why wouldn't you? Even if… why wouldn't you have told me this before I asked you back to my room?"

She kept quiet, staring at the space in between them.

"No. No, fuck, I don't…" Levi sighed, frustrated with himself. "I would have been understanding. That's… _serious_. And if you were going to have issues sleeping with me, I'd have listened to you – and I'd have gone slow. I wanted you to feel comfortable."

"It never bothered me. I… forgot about it until… except whenever I thought about you touching me, I kept remembering."

"When?"

"On the way to your room. In the bath. Waiting for you. Before we started kissing… as we started kissing."

"You should've said something to me. Hanji, what soldiers go through is hard enough… but having to deal with post traumatic experiences, not just from fighting but from _rape_? You shouldn't have to experience that alone."

Her tears still hadn't stopped, and she felt so awful about herself for crying in front of him. She felt so _stupid_ that she was still upset over something that happened so many years ago. She couldn't look at Levi, she didn't want to know what he was thinking.

"It was 10 years ago. I'm so stupid."

She felt his arms wrap around her, his chin resting atop her head. "Yeah you are." He muttered, "Stupid that you think I'd get upset with you over this. Stupid that you think you'd be able to get through something like that alone."

Hanji didn't reply, opting to sink into his hold instead.

"I'm not going to touch you if it you're not comfortable." Levi said, "If you need to build a little more trust, then so be it."

"Who knew Lance Corporal Levi was so gentle."

"You have my utmost respect, Hanji." He paused, "I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm embarrassed that there are such despicable human beings in the military." Levi broke into a whisper, "I'd never dream of hurting you."

"I trust you."

It was strange, that Levi was essentially speaking to her not just as a human, or a soldier, but as a friend. And maybe it was this that she needed to see, so that she'd know that everything was going to be alright after all.

And maybe Levi could help her move on and forget her horrible past.

"I wanna be able to forget, Levi."

"Then lets take it slow."

She felt a small smile tugging at her lips, and she turned to look at him at last. "I think I'd like another kiss, at least."

"Well, I'm certain I'd like another kiss."


End file.
